I Can’t Forgive Myself


I Can’t Forgive Myself
Suzie Eller

“If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all
unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 (NIV)

The workshop had ended. Most of the
moms had left the room while she fidgeted with her bag. I could see she wanted
to flee, but willpower and a great desire for freedom kept her feet rooted to
the floor.

We sat down and she blurted out: “I’ve been told for years
that when I forgive myself I’ll be free. But I can’t do it. I’ve
tried.”

I reached for her hands. “I’ve searched in Scripture. It’s not
there.”

She looked up in surprise. “What do you mean?”

Forgiving
ourselves. It’s not there.

There are a multitude of scriptures that show
us how to offer forgiveness to others, as well as how to receive it. But none
that asks us to remove the burdens from our own hearts.

Thankfully 1 John
1:9 offers a promise. When we hold up our sin before God, He is faithful and
just to forgive all our sins.

Faithful to us? Yes, to us. But also
faithful to who He is, and His plan for our forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice
on the cross as He bore our sin.

But it doesn’t end there. You see, when
we are forgiven, our sin is reframed. Yes it still happened. But God removes it
from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). We are seen as
covered in mercy, spared from the punishment that was ours to take.

My
new friend had been trying for years to do a job that wasn’t hers. By trying and
failing, she saw herself as shameful. That shame affected every aspect of her
life: her relationships, her role as mom, and her faith as she tried to please
God through service or acts, all the while seeing herself as “less
than.”

I asked her if she was willing to allow Christ to do what she had
been unable to do for nearly a decade. Rather than forgive herself, would she
accept the gift of forgiveness Christ so willingly offers?

Later that
week I received an email from her. She shared that when she walked through the
front door that night, her husband said, “Something’s different about
you.”

It’s been nearly three months since this young mom stopped trying
to forgive herself, and scooped up the generous gift of God’s grace instead. She
is still surprised by the transformation. But more so, her family believes she
found a miracle.

One that had been waiting for her all
along.

Perhaps you carry shame. You’ve been trying to forgive yourself,
but realize you can’t undo the past. You’ve said you’re sorry. You have changed.
But the guilt or burden remains.

Hand that shame to your Savior today,
and allow Him to hurl it as far as the east is from the west.

It’s not
your burden to carry any longer.

Dear Jesus, You paid a heavy price for
my sin, and yet I am still carrying it as if it is mine to absolve. I have said
I am sorry. I am changing. But this burden isn’t mine to carry. Today I joyfully
receive Your gift of mercy and grace, and see myself as washed clean because of
You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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